Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Home is where your toilet is.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.