if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
A short story about romance.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
i did the math
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.