“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year