i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*