Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*sewing*
A thread
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!