People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
181.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty