Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: