*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.