I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
@ candidates for local office
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday