Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
this… may be the greatest story ever told
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.