I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
You Might Also Like
tis the season
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
☠️☠️☠️
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I am also baked goods
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon