If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver