(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.