I love halloween time ๐๐ป๐ฑ:
– candy ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ซ
– parties๐๐๐ป
– costumes๐ฏ๐บ๐ฝ
– sacrifices to the dark lord ๐๐๐น
– scary movies๐ฌ๐ฝ๏ธ๐๐ฒ
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, โI only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?โ
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we canโt reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. Whatโs the good news?
DOCTOR: Youโve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldnโt finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. Iโm more expensive later.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet โthey got meโ and then log off
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we donโt have any junk food in the house.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ME: if youโre under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Iโve been deep cleaning my house, so far Iโve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kidโs rooms.