when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad