When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.