Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
You Might Also Like
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.