LA today:
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pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Important reminders
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))