[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Is this you?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.