Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
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The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably