[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”