Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*me flirting
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.