WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?