Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.