It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
pictures of spider-man
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown