The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.