When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Ferrari squats
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity