Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.