Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.