If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
God, I love Scotland
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.