Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry