Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
This came to me in a dream.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Cha-ching is my safe word
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”