i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
You Might Also Like
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
A family that plays together cheats.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message