people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)