Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
You have been warned.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor