[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
no!! no!!!!!!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.