9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.