*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…