Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!