Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Love is in the air fryer.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.