( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
You Might Also Like
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*cough*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!