You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.