wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
yeet
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying