Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
happy mother’s day❤️