“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
You Might Also Like
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”