*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
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Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.