Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
lost dog
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….