Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
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Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
#ParentingFacts
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.