Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Hit me in the face with a bird
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.