When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*